


When Angels Cry

by LilacTree_928



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drowning, Implied Bullying, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Reflection, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26889559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacTree_928/pseuds/LilacTree_928
Summary: This is the story of how Doyoung lost the capacity to fall in love. For after countless shame inflicted by the person you love the most, one is bound to just slice away the part of their heart that caused so much pain. Even at the expense of losing themselves and a chance towards happiness.
Kudos: 12
Collections: nct title fest 2020





	When Angels Cry

**Author's Note:**

> Please do enjoy though lower your expectations... :(

Everything feels numb.

There is nothing but darkness, uncertainty, and emptiness. He’s long lost his sense of hearing and there’s nothing but a faint static ringing in his ears but he couldn’t care less. Can one even cry underwater? He cannot remember and he doesn’t really have the capacity to remember anymore. Water is filling him from his seven orifices and his lungs feels heavy but calmness is the only thing that washed over him.

As he feels his body getting slowly embraced by the darkness, he looked up, finally, and despite his hazy vision, he can see the vague figures of the bridge lights. He stared at those even if his eyes are stinging stubbornly, just like he always is. His thoughts never left him despite the darkness that’s consistently consuming him but he knows that he must let go. He must let go and let the water totally engulf his whole being.

Closing his eyes, he succumbed to the calls of comfort. He turned around and embraced the nothingness, willing away the false relief into the recesses of his mind.

There was a discernible tension that’s hanging in the air but Doyoung refused to back down. He had spent his whole summer vacation drafting the proposal and the learning materials to be used by his club and he’s not letting a greedy and opportunistic asshole to ruin the system he has worked so hard to perfect. He has already earned the approval of the faculty and the chair for his proposed mentoring club but the darned president of their department’s council just wouldn’t give him their signature unless the club functions as an official branch of the mother organization. Doyoung kept his calm and hard glare.

“Then you’re not getting my signature.” Jinhyuk, the Council President, decided upon seeing Doyoung’s hard face. Doyoung almost snapped back but he refrained himself, knowing that ultimately, this fight is a battle of nerves. Sneering, he took note of the vein that popped on Jinhyuk’s forehead. “Of course. You’re doing well on your own so you wouldn’t care about the benefits which the underclassmen will reap through this initiative. It’s not really benefiting you at all and would only become a scab for others to pick through in their endeavors to topple your rule over.”

Doyoung smirked before turning on his heels, his heart beating loudly against his ribcage. ‘ _Please work._ ’ As he reached for the doorknob, just as he had expected, he was promptly pushed against the door, his back hitting the wood quite harshly but he merely stared up at Jinhyuk who’s looking very predatory while harshly gripping his arms. “You-” He refused to flinch nor cower as the Council President glower at him, his words were pretty much nonexistent as Doyoung noticed the flaring anger that’s bursting inside him.

Staring back in indifference, Doyoung refused to use an ounce of his energy to free himself. “I will acquire bruises and I will file a complaint against you. Let’s see where your career ends up once I’m done with you.” Anxiety is surging through his veins but he knows that against the other’s build and clique, his gangly limbs can’t even dare to dream to fight back. He knows that it might go either him losing his head or he can manipulate the asshole to sign his club. Fortunately, it’s the latter.

Dropping his arms harshly, the Council President returned back to his seat. “Rowoon will email you later the signed permit. You can start looking for your club rooms then.” Doyoung nodded curtly before exiting the council office promptly.

Once he descended the floor, he finally let out the breath he did not know he was holding in earlier. “Doyoung! How was it? Did he approve?” Sooyoung ran at him from where she was vibing on the stairs. Doyoung nodded and a smile finally broke across his usually cold façade. “You do not know what I had gone through just to get that jerk’s approval. I swear he’s out to get me.” He pouted as the two of them turned the corner towards the vending machine on the floor.

Doyoung saw her friend shake her head. “You’re so dense Dodo, the guy obviously likes you.” He laughed at her as he inserted his bill and chose two orange sodas. Taking the drinks, he gave one to Sooyoung before they sat down on one of the chairs. “I don’t really care much but I would terribly appreciate it if he could at least be professional.” He replied, looking straight ahead unlike Sooyoung who turned to her phone instantaneously. “I don’t condone his behavior but he’s extra pissy at you because you don’t even bat an eyelash at his direction.” Looking up from her phone, she looked at Doyoung before chuckling. “Well, you never bat an eyelash at anybody’s direction.”

Taking another sip of his soda, Doyoung just hummed in response because his friend does have her point. However, unlike popular belief, the reason for his supposed ‘coldness’ and indifference isn’t as simple as it seems. Humans are complex by nature anyway and for Doyoung, his complexity lies not in his inability to feel but in his inability to be attracted. He can never see any human being romantically even if he desperately forces himself to.

When ‘ _Hanahaki_ ’ literatures described its premises, more specifically its surgical cure, Doyoung thinks they might have some realistic footing. For when he decided to remove the feelings that caused him immense pain, an essential part within him also vanished; he lost his ability to _see_ people and fall in love despite his heart’s yearnings. His salvation was not without its cost and it is a cost that will forever render Doyoung impaled.

The pain left at the cost of his heart.

Soft breeze was coursing its way across the busy afternoon scenery. Food establishments are rapidly filling up as the high-rise business buildings slowly witnessed the dwindling people it occupies. Flocks of students are buzzing and laughing with their friends, their noises rhythmically harmonizing with the loud honking of the cars that found themselves in the misfortune of the traffic that rush hour had induced. A particularly strong wind passed by.

Flipping through a page in his sketchbook, Doyoung found himself fixated on the bus stop that’s situated right across the old bench he’s sitting on. His current subject is the woman who’s looking at the woman beside her as if she hung the stars. Despite his blurry eyesight and distance from his subjects, he found it easy to see and focus on the woman’s _lovestruck_ eyes. The only challenge that’s left is for him to reinterpret that emotion into his blank paper. After staring for so long that the image is embedded deeply in his brain, he finally let his pencil touch the paper.

He did not bother paying attention to the time that passed nor the changing crowd around him. Just like any afternoon, he’s sketching all kinds of love that his young and inexperienced eyes could recognize. He hasn’t really joined any after school activities, partly because of his family’s financial status, nor does he want to join one so he always finds himself wandering around the city, sketching and immortalizing love in all its glory.

As he was doing final touches on his sketch, a familiar perfume scent invaded his olfaction that caused him to look up and whiff his head towards the direction which the wind came from. Surely, there stood Jung Jaehyun in all his glory. Doyoung felt his lips drying as he observed the physical manifestation of his affections. Briskly tucking away his drawing materials, he wanted to catch up to Jaehyun.

He knows that his pining is futile. He’s aware of Jaehyun’s not-so-secret feelings for another classmate of theirs, Taeyong. He’s aware that ultimately, heartbreak will be inevitable but despite the looming pain that’s out to get him, he still persists. ‘ _I’ll cherish the little moments I can scavenge._ ’ He ran up to Jaehyun and his other friends. “Jaehyun-ah.” He called fondly, shyness peeking through his usually loud and brash personality.

Jaehyun doesn’t look too pleased with his presence but he hid it well behind his usual pleasantries. Johnny too hid his displeasure behind his well-meaning smile. It was Yuta’s scrutiny that set off Doyoung. The glare and frown which his classmate was wearing was too heavy and suffocating, thus, just like always, he cowers away. “I just thought of greeting you. Well, have fun on your way then.” Doyoung’s smile was strained but he held in the tears that were burning in the back of his lids. Nodding his head at Johnny and Yuta curtly, he quickly turned away and walked the opposite direction.

Once he has walked a good distance away from the three, he can no longer hold back his tears. He knows that he is being pathetic but he tried to smile despite the continuous flow of tears. This isn’t a new occurrence, so why is he acting up? He’s used to being treated so badly by the one he’s fond of, so why is it that Jaehyun’s slight displeasure sent him into this emotional wreck? Taking in a deep breath, he sat on the bus stop that he reached after walking for so long.

Wiping his tears, he suppressed his hiccoughs brought upon by his suppression of the sobs that are threatening to throw him into a pit of despair in the middle of the busy street. As he slunk into himself due to people’s pitying stares, he finally recalled why the earlier encounter was the drop of water that broke the dam. ‘ _You’ve received contempt and scorn for your feelings for three years, of course you’d burst._ ’

Wiping his face clean again, he inhaled deeply before exhaling it to the sky. Smiling sadly to himself, he made up his mind.

A group work – the bane of Doyoung’s existence. Rolling his eyes, he refused to move from his seat and waited for his classmates to approach him instead. He must have looked extremely pissed as his groupmates looked hesitant as they sat around him. He would have felt guilty for it but he doesn’t really have the heart to contain those emotions. So he stared down at them hardly.

“I have seen the material, so create a chatroom for the group and I’ll send the distribution of labor later. The deadline is in the twentieth, so pass it on the eve of the seventeenth on my email for editing and compilation. Anyone who passes their work later than twelve midnight will be removed from the group.” He declared curtly, not even possessing the decency to ask his groupmates for any feedback. Writing in his planner, he wrote down the scheduling and agendas for this group work. “Also, I will only be editing the paper minorly, thus, anyone who sends me rubbish will be kicked out as well. You have two weeks to do the paper, start drafting now.” He shuts the planner close, making a few of his members flinch.

A boy, whom he conveniently labeled as a ‘slacker,’ spoke up, obviously displeased with his attitude and his guidelines. “Aren’t you being too much right now? Also, your deadline-” Doyoung cut him off, not really possessing the patience to chat with idiotic classmates right now. “The deadline I’ve set is not too early, in fact, I am being too lenient. Editing and compiling, apart from doing my own load of the paper, is a tedious task. I have to read and decipher your tomfoolery and make it half-decent because I know that the people who are actually competent in this group can be counted with my five fingers. You wouldn’t know that, now would you? You’re nothing but a mere slacker who’s leeching off the hard work of your group mates. I can do this paper well on my own so you can go and complain to the professor about having me here. In fact, I encourage you; I don’t really want to work with a fool like yourself.”

The whole class went silent. Doyoung slapped himself mentally upon seeing the attention that he had brought upon himself. ‘ _Well, I can’t go back now._ ’ Catching Kun’s disappointed stare from across the room, Doyoung smugly shrugged his shoulders. “ _Asshole._ ” Kun mouthed silently. Doyoung winked at him playfully. Turning back into his group, he saw that his other groupmates obviously wanted him in their group. The ‘slacker’ huffed and shrunk back down. Smirking inwardly, Doyoung tilted his head. “Just as I thought.”

He finally stood up and gathered his small satchel, wishing nothing but to leave and grabbing himself some mango juice. He had been craving for it since early in the morning. “W-wait!” Another boy called for his attention. Doyoung looked back, ready to snarl only to soften his gaze into apathy seeing that it’s one of his hard-working classmates. He settled on raising his eyebrows, questioning. The boy cleared his throat abashedly. “Shouldn’t we discuss the topic and the flow first?” Doyoung squinted his eyes at the blush that’s sitting on the boy’s cheeks. He chose to ignore it.

“There’s no need. Together with the distribution of labor, I’ll be sending a template and guidelines. The guidelines will also include various sources you can look into and sample keywords you can use as a head start. If you’re still confused, just hit me up privately.” He turned around without a second thought, leaving the classroom and his offended group mates behind.

He sat down on one of the benches two buildings away from the one he just exited, drinking one of the two mango juices he bought along the way. He’s halfway through Taeyeon’s ‘My Voice’ when he felt a presence join him. He removed one of his earphones and offered Kun the extra mango juice which the latter gratefully accepted. The two fell into a calm silence, silently drinking their juices and observing the foolishness around them.

“You’re such an asshole.” Kun breaks the silence after five minutes. Doyoung snorted as he took another sip of his juice. “Who would have guessed.” He remarked, amusement marring his face as he felt Kun study him. “You just reinforced your reputation of being a condescending asshole in the department.” Doyoung shrugged, his eyes still trained on the chaotic field in front of them. He felt Kun follow suit. “I’d rather be that than get trampled all over.” He said lowly, his voice devoid of any emotion as the song that’s playing in his ear changed into ‘I Blame On You.’

Throwing the empty can on the disposal bin beside them, he heard Kun sigh beside him. “I have seen though that you did not bare your fangs at Junhui when he called you earlier.” There was an underlying teasing there which Doyoung doesn’t understand. “And what about it?” “Well, it just seemed strange considering how much you detests group works and your temper earlier was at its peak, so forgive us for seeing implicit signs towards him.” Kun deadpanned.

His mouth forming an ‘o,’ Doyoung chuckled before looking at Kun with an equally unimpressed expression. “I know I am a resident condescending asshole but I also know that… Junhui’s his name, right? Anyway, I know that he’s one of the decent students so there’s no reason for me to rip his neck.” He saw something flash in Kun’s face but it was gone too soon for him to recognize the expression and put a name on it. His curiosity did not last long for despite the empty expression, Kun’s next words gave him a hint of where the conversation will be heading. “He likes you though…”

Doyoung laughed at that, shaking his head. “No, he doesn’t.” Kun looked disappointed of his response but Doyoung doesn’t feel guilty. No, he does feel bad but his instinct to preserve himself is stronger. “You’re not in a position to say that, you know.” Kun quietly provides. Doyoung just hummed. ‘ _Junhui seemed to be a decent guy, he shouldn’t intertwine with my life._ ’ He thought to himself but he knows that it will just warrant unwanted conversations about his past, so he opt to leave it hanging.

He knows and understands what his peers are saying about him, in fact, he’s amused by it. He’s far from the ‘Icy Bastard’ that they all call him. No, he’s just _numb_. He’s not proactively hating every single person that shows an interest in him, he’s just empty. He’s indifferent to everybody’s advances, so he became ignorant of it. He cannot even understand the mechanisms of affection, so it’s better that he does not indulge himself on such useless endeavors.

Either way, he still fucking detests group works.

Doyoung tried to dampen down his excitement upon seeing that Jaehyun is his groupmate. Twenty-year-old Doyoung would be so disappointed seeing this but he doesn’t know that, so he continued on feeling giddy like an idiot. Arranging his notes, he finally took notice of his other group mates who seemed to be awfully disinterested at the task at hand in comparison to his sunny disposition. 

Nothing could ruin this, he thinks as he saw Jaehyun finish his conversation with another classmate. Doyoung was about to beam brightly as Jaehyun turned and started walking towards the group’s direction only for his spirit to simmer pathetically when he saw Taeyong pull Jaehyun aside.

‘ _Ah._ ’ Doyoung pulled his face into a smile which looked more like a grimace as he looked down before inhaling deeply and looking at his disinterested group members.

It has always been like this, him carrying the whole workload of the whole group. It’s nothing new, nothing hard either. However, before, he at least had Jaehyun asking him if he’s okay and if he could help with the heavier load. Smiling sadly to himself, he silently cleared his table to escape when Yuta’s words cut through his already swollen heart.

“Jae wouldn’t be back again, huh?” Doyoung didn’t have to look behind him to know that he was talking to Johnny. Freezing in the middle of arranging his notes, Yuta’s next words really were the final knives that prompted his eyes into watering.

“I mean if Taeyong were my boyfriend, I wouldn’t be back until much later anyway.” He snickered, earning a loud smack on the arm from Johnny. It seemed that Doyoung became their center of topic with that smack as Yuta’s next words were particularly aimed at him. “So shameless people should just back off instead of embarrassing themselves even further.”

Doyoung felt numb at that. It seemed that his body and soul had finally gotten used to the constant pain that this level of shame and suffering suddenly disappeared, leaving him numb and hollow. ‘ _Perfect._ ’

Smiling emptily at his groupmates, Doyoung returned from cleaning up his desk to turning a full 180. Handing out notes and tasks, he smiled emptily at his classmates who seemed to be taken aback suddenly having had to work in a group where Kim Doyoung was the leader.

Protests were made, even slight manipulations and aggressive coercions, but Doyoung kept that empty smile of his, unceasing in his sudden change of demeanor.

A good thirty minutes later, he was finally left alone as everybody deemed him ‘ _dumb and broken to talk with._ ’ He’s not complaining though, he can only smile blankly as he takes down notes, not even bothering to look up when familiar steps and familiar scent sit beside the only seat empty which was beside him.

He knew then and there at it was the beginning of the end.

The words should sting but after hearing the same words over and over again, just recontextualized and paraphrased, one’s bound to become desensitized. Swiftly wearing one of his infamous facades, Doyoung faux yawned as he leaned back and crossed his arms and legs in front of him. Although he doesn’t really mind the audience, the lack of students every Sunday is giving him some sort of relief. He doesn’t really want to exhaust himself.

“Hey, Kim Doyoung!” Refocusing himself, Doyoung realized that he had zoned out for far too long. ‘ _At least I’ve managed to piss this woman off even more._ ’ He thought glumly, raising an eyebrow at his supposed “perpetrator.” He digressed. “What now, woman?” He asked, irritated as hell for his precious time is getting wasted. He also doesn’t appreciate the squeaky laugh which the woman let out.

“Really the ever-condescending Kim Doyoung. You are nothing but a cold, unfeeling, and cruel bastard. Everyone keeps on licking the path you walk on when you could care less-” She started but Doyoung cut her off, already knowing where it is heading. “Yeah, yeah, I could care less about you peasants. Is that all? Is that everything you have to say? You know you could have just posted it on the school website, right? Instead of wasting my time.” He scrunched his nose, irritated but quite perplexed that someone actually has the guts to stop him in his tracks just to spout ingenuine insults which he receives on the daily.

“You-!” It seems like the part that he missed from the woman’s speech was crucial to get the whole story but he is fatigued and famished and he wants nothing more than to leave the campus, grab something on the way, and then sink into the comforts of his bed. This _guest_ of his doesn’t think so. Seeing that the woman is too infuriated to gather herself, Doyoung walked past her leisurely, wanting nothing but to get away.

He acts nonchalantly when in fact, he can hear his heartbeat thrumming against his ribcage. He always acts like this, always wears his masks when he wants nothing but to shrink and bury into himself, hugging his body and covering his ears from the piercing words. It’s no longer the words that hurt him, his pain is now brought upon by the emptiness that’s now a constant inside his soul. He yearns something, anything, not just the static of silence inside his brain.

“You asshole! You ruined Jinwoo! You ruined so many people yet here you are, lurking around nonchalantly, as if you did not crush half of the university population to the ground!” She screamed on the top of her lungs, and now, Doyoung felt his headache worsening upon seeing the crowd that had gathered and watching the scene. He’s not one who’s easily daunted by public opinion but he still hates crowds, having some sort of social anxiety and all, and he can now feel the bile that’s rising on his throat.

Taking a deep breath, Doyoung took note of the name that the woman had screamed at him. Frowning, he turned around and threw a questioning look at her. “Jinwoo… Which Jinwoo?” He knows that it’s a jerk move but he needs clarification. ‘ _Jinwoo is such a common name, our department alone has three._ ’ He almost rolled his eyes but managed to stop himself, lest, aggravating the woman again.

She thankfully answered his queries without hesitation. “Park Jinwoo, third year Broadcasting major, remember? He confessed to you last school festival, in front of the fountains.” She seemed a little contained now and Doyoung felt relieved, his head still throbbing and another piercing scream and he’d probably drop on the floor. With the additional data, Doyoung can now vaguely recall the man in question. It was a member of an org that Doyoung briefly joined before going totally MIA.

Softening, he offered a small smile at the woman. “That Jinwoo. Listen, he’s a good guy and all. I don’t care what you all think of me but I don’t want you screaming that I stomp on half of the university population because I don’t. I politely reject them.” He tipped his head, internally cursing himself for not containing his sarcasm. “Well, except for those that keep on insisting despite my rejections. Those are the only ones that I stomp on.” He shrugged.

“You really are heartless Kim Doyoung.” Doyoung felt himself almost halt in his steps but he kept on threading on, not wanting to show even a sliver of weakness in such a public place. “I’ve always been told.” He retorted back when it’s far from the truth.

For how could he really be so miserable about the void in his soul if he’s heartless? He has a heart, just deeply empty and dark that it physically pains him knowing that he’ll forever be numb. He really wishes that the claims of him being heartless be his reality for possessing such a large void in his heart is nothing but pure hell.

When you’ve removed all the pain, it also removes your emotions and one feels nothing but living death.

Biting his fist, he desperately clawed at his chest in an attempt to will down the clenching that’s too excruciating for his poor heart to handle. It was the dumbest idea, really, but like an idiot, he still persisted and tried to confess his feelings for the second time, believing that maybe, just maybe, after being classmates for over four years, maybe the other finally saw in a new light.

Delusional, quite manipulative, and downright pathetic, Doyoung knows he’s all of those but he still can’t help himself from buying that pretty necklace he saw from a nearby boutique, he couldn’t help himself from staying up late and baking chocolate cupcakes, and he couldn’t help but stay rooted on his place, unable to tear away his gaze from the two figures that’s about a hundred meters away from him, hugging each other serenely.

So Taeyong finally accepted Jaehyun’s feelings after denying it for so long.

It truly is time to let go. He should let go. He should go walk away but why is it that he’s stuck rooted on the spot, unable to break his gaze? Why does he keep on hovering like a moth to a flame?

Despite the taste of blood that invaded his gustation, he kept his lower lip in between his canines. Thousand thoughts came crashing down on him, wanting him to kneel and keel as pain invaded all pain receptors spread around his body.

He could not breathe, his sight was blurry, but the two who are still engulfed in their own little bubble seemed to be getting clearer with each teardrop that cascades down his cheeks.

He wants to carve out his heart, smash it, pulverize it, throw it away just to stop the excruciating pain that’s filling his whole body, making him scream inside his head. However, outside, the only telltale signs of his death is the tears staining his cheeks blue and the blood that’s coloring his lips crimson.

When the two finally let go of each other and walked away, something seemed to break inside him. A loud thud resonated across the deserted alley in between the buildings as he fell on his knees, scraping it and his palms as he dropped on all fours, trying to support his body that wants nothing more but to just give up and black out.

But he couldn’t, he shouldn’t, and like the stubborn idiot that he is, he continued on grasping at pebbles. He continued on grasping at pebbles of his sanity which proves to be getting harder with each passing minute and soon, he’s doubling over, uncaring of the dirt that’s clinging onto him from the muddy ground.

The box of cupcakes he was holding on earlier now lay far from him, the icing must be staining the inside of the box while he tightened his grip at the jewelry box that’s containing the last bits of his soul that he’s willing to give away in the name of idiocy. Continuous flow of his tears now dampened the muddy ground even further.

He just wants this pain to stop, he wants this excruciating experience to stop. He wants to carve out his heart, smash his head, even throw himself on a cliff just to make the pain stop.

He’s willing to lose everything just to keep his insanity at bay.

Even if it’s himself he lost in the process.

Smiling despite the clenching in his chest, he looked up at the clear sky. After torturing his mind for so long, it finally bent to his will. He can finally control emotional attachments, he can finally will himself to will away the bitterness, sorrow, and envy. He can never attain joy but at least he’s not harboring such negativity within him.

Staring blankly at the white ceiling above him, Doyoung blink lazily, uncaring of the burning in his eyes as memories came crashing down on him years after he had vowed to never open his pandora’s jar ever again. ‘ _It’s my fault for building that kind of reputation anyway. I should’ve seen this scathing and triggering remarks coming._ ’

Is it really his fault though, that he feels nothing but empty sympathy and bone deep apathy towards those that are fooled by his outward appearance to neglect the hollowness that’s a constant reflection bouncing off from his black irises?

Is it really his fault, that nobody cared enough to even look at his eyes to see the amount of death his lithe form possesses?

Is it truly his fault that the walls that he has put up is now used in order to place him in such an unrealistic pedestal as flies swarm over him, romanticizing the pungent smell of blood oozing from his soul?

“It’s so… lonely.” Doyoung whispered to the twilight air, slowly blinking as his eyes burned despite the lack of tears that wants to escape his lacrimal glands. He sighed deeply.

Emptiness was a short-term relief for the pain driven teen he was. Emptiness has become a lifelong curse for him though as time had passed and the seeds of loneliness was finally cultivated on the soils of emptiness he had laid on the vastness of his soul. Doyoung grimaced as he slid his tongue across his dried lips, futilely thinking that it could alleviate the dehydration that’s becoming apparent on his parched body.

The front door opened, causing for Doyoung to blink quickly and erase the fuzz that’s apparent on his face as he rose slowly from where he was lying on the sofa. He fixed his face into one of solemn tranquility as he smiled and helped his roommate with the groceries.

“I thought you weren’t going to come home until much later.” Kun commented, his eyebrows furrowed as he watched Doyoung who silently glided across the kitchen to arrange the items and place them in their designated areas efficiently and mindlessly.

Doyoung shrugged in the middle of stacking the cereals. “Felt dizzy so I decided to just do my review here.” Kun hummed and if Doyoung just removed the block in his brain and ears, he could notice the subliminal cues there. “I figured that endeavor must’ve been productive then? Considering that you were already lazing off on the couch.” Kun chuckled, bumping shoulders with Doyoung when he got near enough.

Doyoung just smiled that usual smile of his as he nodded in affirmation. “Quite so. Still has the closing section to write but that’s barely three paragraphs long so I took a rest before cramming that shit later in the evening.”

He heard Kun laugh at that as he disappeared down their hallway to place the laundry detergents and fabric conditioners. “Of course, our ever capable Kim Doyoung.” He shouted playfully. Doyoung rolled his eyes as he returned back, seeing Kun tenderly folded the paper bags that contained the groceries before putting them away.

“Not really. Took me so long before I arrived here, I bled so much before I learned how to do those things properly, so I haven’t always been capable.” Doyoung remarked hollowly, his voice empty as he returned to where he was lazing around on the sofa to take his phone and scroll on it lazily, reading unnecessary information before he’s finally forced to face the reality of his awaiting paper back in his room.

This is exactly why he shouldn’t work in their apartment, he’s easily distracted with the comfort that’s oozing from every nook and cranny; productivity just seems to be fully inhibited in this cursed place. Doyoung doesn’t even try to complain as he continued on basking in the various illustrations displayed on his phone.

He felt the space beside him dip as Kun joined him on the couch with his own textbook in hand, already out of his outdoor clothes and into the comforts of his pjs. “I know, you work so hard on everything. Always gives your hundred percent effort on every single task as mundane as they are-” Kun started beside him only for him to be cut off as Doyoung but in absentmindedly. “Actually, I just give my ninety percent, it’s quite inefficient and foolish to give your all to every single thing.”

A deep sigh came out of his housemate. Doyoung lifted his eyes from where it’s burrowed on his phone and was met with the unimpressed face Kun is giving him. He mouthed a what and Kun just shook his head as he wore his glasses and opened his book. “So intelligent yet always oblivious.”

Doyoung pointedly ignored that.

He’s not. And that’s what he hates the most.

He can turn off his senses but he cannot turn off his awareness and he hates how he can see the obvious fondness his housemate has for him.

So he ignores it just like how he learned from the man who ripped his soul thrice.

Smiling to himself, Doyoung bit his lips as he basked in the state of the room that he managed to extort from the student council. The club room now looks decent, even conducive for tutorial services his dream club wishes to aspire, a far outcry from the poor and sorry state it was just a week ago.

Today marks the first day of his _Tutorial Club_. He’s buzzing with energy, what with his plans finally materializing after such an arduous summer of drafting and revising proposals as well as months of threatening and manipulating SC members and department faculties into approving this little club of his.

He’s actually anticipating things, despite his cool exterior, as he has received a good amount of applications from upperclassmen that wants to help teach their underclassmen as well as well-wishes from struggling students who wishes to get into his program. He cackled just thinking about the disappointed faces of the council members seeing that his club didn’t flunk as badly as they had thought and prayed to.

Kun and Sooyoung were already at the back of the room, preparing their own set of materials as Doyoung catch his breath when new members started entering the room steadily. Catching Kun’s knowing look, Doyoung made face and sticking out his tongue before composing himself to stand and greet the new comers. Kun just shook his head and rolled his eyes as he leaned on one of the furniture.

Turning around, Doyoung felt his heart drop to his stomach as a familiar face greeted him among the crowd. He blanked out for a minute if not for Sooyoung touching his arms, looking worried but trying not to gather unwarranted attention. Doyoung inhaled a ragged breath before smiling curtly.

Trying his hardest, he hardened himself as best as he could with the wet cement that’s his soul. ‘ _He’s doing nothing but smile up at me, like an idiot that’s seeking refuge here, no need to be alarmed._ ’ Doyoung repeated inside his head, trying to gather his wits before things

“Good afternoon everyone. I’m Doyoung, currently the club head with Kun and Sooyoung as my assistant heads. Since this is just the first meeting, we wouldn’t be having our sessions for now, rather, in front of you are the leaflets containing the available schedules the tutors have as well as the subjects that’s offered.” He started professionally; his smile stiff but his aura as imposing as it always is. There’s not a trace of his cold sweat staining his robes and he thinks that’s more than enough to survive this crisis in front of him for now.

Doing his absolute best not to pale and kneel at the beautiful boy that’s smiling across him, Doyoung clasped his hands and turned around to snatch the forms from Kun who’s looking at him worriedly. He blinked and smiled stiffly. He turned back and handed the papers.

“These are the forms, please fill up your desired subject, time slot, and contact information for us to contact you with both your schedules and any important announcements. Announcements will also be announced through my twitter account, it’s written on the top of the leaflet, so please watch out there as well in the chance that either Kun or Sooyoung wouldn’t be able to disseminate information on time as well. Though that’s highly improbable.” He shrugged, smug at the efficiency of his three person team. This bravado seemed to impress and ease the students’ minds.

“Since that’s all for now, after you’ve accomplished the forms, please just pass them and see you tomorrow.” He tapped both Kun and Sooyoung once on their shoulders, a hint that he’s going to go if not for the grip that took him by surprise.

Doyoung paled internally as he was met with that beautiful smile that has been smiling at him throughout the whole course of the meeting. As the room slowly turned deserted, Doyoung has a hard time keeping his façade but he did so as he pried himself off the grip and fixed himself. “How may we help you?” He asked politely.

“Doyoung-ah! It’s been such a long time!” The chirp in the other’s voice just furthered the oncoming headache that’s slowly building up in his temples. Doyoung nodded and backed off, wanting to regain a bit of space and air to clear his head even for a little bit.

Hiding his shaking hands behind his back, he smiled softly, donning on his calmest mask in order to appear calm and collected. He thinks it’s working. “Taeyong… It really has been a while.” He replied curtly, wanting to be obvious that he doesn’t want to talk but of course, the other is as dense as he’ll ever be.

Taeyong beamed and nodded brightly, a little jump in his step. Doyoung felt nauseous but held it in quite well that is until the door opened, revealing a ghost from his past he has tried so hard to bury and leave.

He stepped back, a slight stagger in his step and he would have fallen if it weren’t for Kun’s strong grip supporting him. His breath had gotten caught in his throat so he didn’t dare open his mouth nor tried to focus his blurring eyesight. ‘ _At least it’s a headache, not a tearfall._ ’

“Babe!” Taeyong piped, jumping from where he was crowding in Doyoung’s space to welcome the newcomer.

For the first time in three years, Doyoung felt like a jumbled mess. His hands that’s tucked behind him is shaking terribly and his head full of static, drowning out any signs of rational behavior there.

An overwhelming wave of emotions is crashing violently against his shores, his pathetic excuse of a shoreline getting washed away as it crumbles and dissolves into the storm. He could not breathe, he could not see, he could not hear. Time seemed to warp around him as he saw that familiar heart-wrenching scene he has painfully suppressed into the back of his mind.

He thought he has escaped. Oh how wrong he was.

“… Dodo?” He was snapped back into reality by Sooyoung’s fake annoyance. She’s now standing beside him, holding his shaking hand that’s clasped behind his back. It helped bring back Doyoung’s composure as he blinked discreetly before smiling at her.

Looking at the couple in front of him, Doyoung raised and eyebrow condescendingly, his rough façade back on and even sharper than ever with added defensive instinct. “Uhh? Doyoung?” It was Taeyong who croaked out, confused at the quick shifts in Doyoung’s outward moods.

“You just blacked out, nothing too drastic in terms of your facial expressions.” Kun whispered from behind him before stepping back, knowing best that Doyoung needed space to bullshit his way out of this storm. Doyoung nodded and quickly decided on what persona to don.

“Hi Doyoung, it’s been long huh?” It was Jung Jaehyun who spoke in that leveled, calm, and alluring voice of his. Doyoung felt his breath getting knocked out, he almost gasped if not for his strong bite on his tongue. The taste of copper becomes pungent.

Smiling reservedly, Doyoung nodded, sitting back down on the table, pretentiously motioning for the couple to sit on his right. This is a better position to assert his dominance and level up his bullshitting act. Leaning back, he clasped his shaking and clammy hands in his thighs.

“I never knew you two are studying here.” Doyoung remarked, a hint of distaste in his tone but his curt smile never faltered. It’s such a shame the two unwelcomed visitors had never gotten the hint as Taeyong nodded brightly while Jaehyun absentmindedly fixed his locks. The nausea worsened.

“We just transferred! This has been my dream university ever since but I didn’t make the cut before. So, I studied elsewhere before deciding to transfer here just last year! Must be why we never bumped each other even though we’re from the same department. You’re quite famous though but you’re just so evasive.” Taeyong pouted at the last sentence.

Doyoung, honest to his infamous reputation, snorted upon learning that his previous classmate failed to reach the decently average standards that the university requires for aspiring students. This little reaction of his caused for Jaehyun to harden his gaze at him. Doyoung held it, even daring to raise an eyebrow and offering a little tilt of the head.

This little taunt of his was proven to be effective as Jaehyun slapped a hand on the table, surprising everyone that’s left in the room except for Doyoung who merely smirked. “You have something to say Kim?” The way his surname was uttered was full of contempt that Doyoung would’ve flinched if he weren’t so deep into the mask he’s playing.

Doyoung crossed his arms in front of his chest, careful to hide its clamminess and shaking. “I haven’t before but now that you’ve pointed it out, maybe I do.” Rhetoric, he’s grasping on pebbles and Kun can feel it as Doyoung felt him slowly inching towards him.

Jaehyun seemed to want to start a brawl then and there but he caught Taeyong’s frightened expression and slowly deflated. This was when Doyoung’s adrenaline spiked at its peak. Snickering, Doyoung haughtily lifted his chin to make it seem like he’s looking down on Taeyong.

“That’s funny, your story is.” He started, earning Taeyong’s attention. “I’ve always looked down on this university considering how easy its requirements for admission is. You saying that made me realize that I have unconsciously made an achievement. So, thank you for such an eye-opening story.” Doyoung smiled so sweetly it is blatantly obvious that it’s fake.

Taeyong pathetically choked at that, his form slowly crouching as his self-esteem took a large blow. It doesn’t feel good but Doyoung knows that he has to trample on others to save a little bit of his soul.

Gasps were heard all over the room but nobody dared to butt in because almost everyone doesn’t want to mess with Kim Doyoung and they all know that it’s just not worth it. Jung Jaehyun doesn’t seem to think so.

‘ _Win against him Dodo and you’ll be invincible. Win against him and you can conquer the world._ ’ Doyoung repeated like a mantra inside his head as he met Jaehyun’s angry glare. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” He bellowed, causing Doyoung to bite his tongue particularly hard in an attempt to control his flinch.

Doyoung batted his eyelashes obnoxiously, pulling his dominant hand which he can control the shaking and propping his chin on it. Pouting exaggeratedly, he hummed before asking back. “’ _What the hell is wrong with me?_ ’” He mockingly threw back Jaehyun’s question, causing the other man to fume and redden further with anger.

“J-Jae, just drop it, I-I’m sure Doyoung didn’t mean anything bad-” Taeyong tried placating his boyfriend in that disgustingly sweet voice and demeanor of his that Doyoung could not help the venom that dripped from his heart.

“I meant every insult I threw though.” Doyoung turned that sickening smile of his causing massive shock towards the receiver of his malintent. “W-what do you mean?” Taeyong stuttered out, obviously pampered and sheltered. Doyoung blinked obnoxiously again, feigning surprise and ignorance. “Oh, is your brain not working properly? Never mind, I should’ve been more conscious of your obvious lacking.” He beamed brightly, standing up and using the shock factor his words caused to escape and probably never to be seen again.

Swiftly getting his phone and wallet, he strutted and patted his previous classmates’ shoulders and was about to leave the room when Jaehyun’s low voice halted him in his steps.

“This is exactly why no one will ever like you.”

It was a harsh jab at him, and he felt his nausea pick up, the urge to vomit even stronger than before as terrible memories gnawed at his mind, just moments away from causing him a massive meltdown. He held it in one last time.

Twisting his upper body to turn back slightly, Doyoung forced a natural sounding snort before raising an eyebrow at his enraged _first love_. “Unlike other people surviving merely due to other people’s help and not their own capabilities,” he gave a look at Taeyong who cowered further into the seat. “I don’t need to be liked.”

Turning back again, he faked a shrug. Faking ease and nonchalance when his face is washed with a thousand tragedies.

“In fact, I highly discourage it.”

Everything feels numb.

There is nothing but darkness, uncertainty, and emptiness. He’s long lost his sense of hearing and there’s nothing but a faint static ringing in his ears but he couldn’t care less. Can one even cry underwater? He cannot remember and he doesn’t really have the capacity to remember anymore. Water is filling him from his seven orifices and his lungs feels heavy but calmness is the only thing that washed over him.

As darkness finally warmed his body as he closed his eyes, something warm wrapped around his wrist, prompting him to open his eyes and mouth.

Anger surged through him as he felt himself getting pulled out of the water. “What the fuck Qian Kun?!” He screamed and swung his fist before he could even think. His housemate angrily blocked his attack through the water as he aggressively pulled Doyoung into the shallower area of the pool.

Doyoung struggled and screamed to no avail as he felt dizzy and wobbly if not for Kun’s strong grip and support on him, thus, he really was unable to do anything apart from cursing his friend pettily. As he was forcefully pulled out of the water, he soon found himself being thrown on one of the benches before a towel was harshly wrapped around him.

“Don’t you think that I should be the one asking you that? What the fuck was that Doyoung?!” Doyoung would have flinched at the harshness and raw anger that’s dripping from Kun if not for his pride and equally menacing anger eating at his brain. And maybe it’s also because of the desperation and the mind curling pain that has awaken inside of him that’s caused him to shot up and wanting to jump back again in the comforts of the water if not for Kun’s strong grip on him which caused him tumbling back on the bench.

Doyoung glared at the other but he made no more attempt as his limbs felt sluggish and exhaustion is finally catching up to him. “It’s none of your business Kun, just let me be.” He averted his gaze, finally tiring himself from the amount of emotional buildup that has been constantly piling on him. It also doesn’t help that Kun’s eyes looks terribly red which doesn’t seem to be caused by the chlorine in the pool water. Doyoung hates it.

He hates it so badly because while his emotions are eating him up, Kun is proudly wearing his heart on his sleeves, even going so far as to let his affections for him be as loud and obvious as the thunders above. Doyoung hates it, he hates Kun.

“I want it to be my business. You’re… you’re my friend Doyoung-ah. Don’t close off from me as well. Please.” Kun kneeled in front of him, obviously longing for his gaze but Doyoung won’t give it to him. He noticed the falter in his housemate’s voice and words.

Blinking wearily, he fixed his composure and looked at Kun emptily. “You like me. That’s why you’re here, that’s why you stuck, and that’s why you think you can save me.” Doyoung sneered, uncaring of the prickling needles in his chest, unwilling to descend this path but knowing nothing about doing otherwise.

Kun seemed to be taken aback, though not really since he knows it deep inside him that he hasn’t really been extremely secretive about his feelings. Doyoung continued on his prodding, almost too addicted with the adrenaline to stop himself from killing his friend’s soul.

“You want to be the one to save the great and battered Kim Doyoung that’s why you’ve pathetically tried to hide your affections in plain sight. You’ve seen the weak spots in my battle strategy that’s why you’ve made it your goal to thoroughly crush my walls down.” Doyoung scoffed as tears finally trickled down his face, the unforgiving fear he has been harboring finally exploding.

Looking at Kun, Doyoung swallowed the lump in his throat as he hardened his face despite the clawing at his chest and the dam that’s continuously flowing down his cheeks. “You’re just like them; placing me on a pedestal and refusing to see beyond your rose-colored glasses.”

That seemed to be the last straw as Kun was pulled out of his reverie and silently stood up, taking another towel which he used to wrap around Doyoung’s head, silently proceeding to dry his hair. Doyoung gaped at that.

‘ _Why hasn’t he left yet?_ ’ Thoughts like this continuously flowed through his brain, his jaw slack as his mind seem to short-circuit. Instead of voicing out his relief and fears though, like a normal human person, he let his idiocy speak over his reason.

“Do you actually think that this will-” He started only to cut himself off at the first drops of Kun’s tears that made way on his opened palms. Doyoung bit his lips and just looked down, letting his friend dry his hair as he fiddled with his fingers.

A few beats of silence later, Kun finally replied to his insults. “Yeah, I like you and yeah I tried to hide my ‘ _pathetic_ ’ affections to no avail.” Kun smiled sadly, his eyes downcast but not on Doyoung who’s looking up at his standing form. “But I never thought of saving you- no, I never thought that you needed saving.”

Kun stared at him powerfully, his gaze firm but warmth never failed to ooze from him. ‘ _Just like the Kun I usually know._ ’ “Because you’re strong and you’re already saving yourself.” Doyoung blinked at that, obviously not having thought of things that way but his friend’s words just caused a whole chain of reaction to explode inside his chest. He couldn’t breathe.

Averting his gaze, Doyoung remove the towels around him to try and evade where the conversation is heading, the comforts of being submerged and drowning too alluring to be pulled up into salvation.

It was not Kun who stopped him from leaving but rather, his words. “You might see this as presumptuous but I’d like to believe that I saw you for you. Not the infamous _Kim Doyoung_ that’s cursed more than he is praised, not the famous _Kim Doyoung_ that’s admired and revered, not the student leader _Kim Doyoung_. Just my friend and housemate Doyoung that sometimes forgets to put back the vacuum in the laundry room, the stressed Doyoung who pulls all-nighters more than not, just the irritated and lazy Doyoung who sometimes even forgets eating.”

Doyoung felt angered and frustrated, but even more confused than he ever was. Turning back, he wants to stomp over and attack his friend only to be halted by his new onslaught of tears. “J-just, what do you get with this empty words? W-why, w-why are you still here?”

“Haven’t you already said it? I like you. Your reasoning might be twisted but I’m staying because you’re you.” Kun looked solemn and sincere. Doyoung felt his stomach churn so he looked away though he abandoned all thoughts of leaving. For now.

Soon, there was a warm presence beside him and he’s getting wrapped with towels again. “Please speak Dodo, don’t just let your thoughts and memories eat you and drown you. You can tell me, you can vent on me, just please don’t explode like this again.”

Doyoung doesn’t understand, cannot figure out the stakes, he cannot size up his future possibilities, but he doesn’t know what came into him when he nodded after that little sneeze that escaped him.

It must be the fatigue, his limbs screaming at him in ache, or just the weariness of his soul because the next thing he knows, he’s getting piggybacked by his friend back to their dorms.

He doesn’t know what it is but maybe it’s worth the leap of faith.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, that was quite underwhelming, isn't it? Haha, but I really just wanted to write an angst after so many fluffs and self-indulgent fics and the title prompt caught my eye and fitted well with the narrative I have in mind.
> 
> Are there any angels or supernaturals here? Absolutely none but there's someone in this story here who absolutely needs a good emotional catharsis so, here we are.
> 
> It's nothing much but I sincerely hope that the few people that stumbled upon here enjoys this!


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